Goldspot - Friday

One of those songs that makes you both happy and sad. Even when it makes me sad it leaves some amount of happiness and calm within. Pretty much why I love it.

Poetry? Me?

My vain attempt at poetry when I was 17 or 18. Found it again just now and here it is.

"Lost" is a place I have chosen to be.

A spot between "here" and "there."

A little beyond "Yes i can see"

and "that's nice, but I don't care."



It's not a place that i want to stay

but there are times i wish i could

I go there when I can't find my way

Or whenever I'm misunderstood.



So if you see that look in my eye

don't rush me,worry or fret.

I will come back but as hard as i try

I don't want to come back yet.

The big question

Attachments and detachments. What hurts more?

A Sanguine Winter Evening

While I walked down a busy street with people chatting and laughing, a group of girls giggling and dressed in skirts and sweaters passed by. Cold breeze swept through my face as I walked into a cafe to meet an old friend. Dressed in a white T-shirt and blue jeans with an olive green jacket I felt warm and excited! Most of us tend to notice a lot of things while walking that we wouldn't otherwise. A woman stood across the road and held her baby carelessly in her arms. He looked starved, weak and dirty. A beehive of thoughts swarmed across my head. How do we react in times like these? Some of us either thank God for the comfort he gave us or simply walk past with a sympathetic, sorry look. Some tourists found it amusing and a woman grabbed her husband's arm and exclaimed "Look at that, so cute". Instantly, smiles were exchanged, pictures were clicked. An old man and I stood together overlooking the irony. I wondered if he thought what I did.

The cafe was quiet and just how I would have preferred it to be. If you know me, you would know that sitting in a cafe by myself reading a book and listening to music is exactly what I would love to do on a sanguine winter evening. Brad Arnold and Bob Seger sang 'Landing in London' to me while I read 'Love in the time of Cholera'.

After I'd read for an hour she finally arrived. While I sipped on my Hazelnut Latte she spoke of work, family and old school friends whom we'd lost touch with. We bid our goodbyes and promised to keep in touch.

Usually on such calm evenings, realizations strike. One such realization that struck me that day was that I'd changed. I could now make conversation.

The Grief, The Grip and The Void

Back then, when it happened we were all shocked. We refused to believe it and never wanted to let go of it. Pretty much what happens when you lose a loved one. Most of us have endured and gone past these feelings. We love being in denial, we love grieving, we love what we've lost and more than anything else we want it back in our lives. As much as we hate it but life does move on. We go forward while cherishing the good memories and learn to deal with our anger, fear and pain. The sorrow was fresh and needed time to dissipate. Coping up is a lot easier since then.

Today it has been a year since I lost my first dog, Tiger. Hearts heal faster, it is the grieving that takes a while.

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight" - Kahlil Gibran

This aint Drudgery!

Wrote this one for the Department Souvenir :)

Writing for a college magazine or souvenir is not an easy task. Most definitely not. Post-compiling, it might not look like a big deal but trust me - with a large set topics beginning to be termed 'cliched, expolited, done-to-death, over-used' the writer is not left with a lot of options. The deadlines, the time constraints, the criticism, the panic, the lack of ideas, the stress. Uff! Most of us end up hesitating because of the fear of being mocked by others or due to doubt in our capabilities. Still there are a few who disregard such thoughts and go ahead with the idea of writing. Ignoring the irony, I can safely say that I am still grappling with where I stand out of the two categories above.
A friend and I were having this conversation the other day about how people never change. We decided there was nothing sudden or unexpected about change. It occurs only at free will and is entirely voluntary.
At the end of the discussion, I realized that such conversations sometimes end up being depressing. I decided that I detest conversations that leave me heavy in the heart. Now, the question. People who don't wonder so much about 'life' - Are we all shallow? Are we scared to think? Or do we fear the answers? Some of us just find it easier to go the Amelie way. Finding joy in small pleasures of life. The sack of grain, The pebbles, The revenge? Ways to expedite happiness, witnessing the delight.

We tend to refuse to face the complexities that we might succumb to. All of us have wished atleast once in our entire life to run away to a place(Himalayas or Hawaii, Oh wait Bahamas is the new 'cool' one!) where we see no familiar faces. A serene isolated place with the ipod playing Dublin Blues or Johnny Cash, a Roman Holiday and a drink to cherish. Perfection! In the heart of heart we all know that life is going to lead us to boredom and dissatisfaction. We continue to wish for it don't we? Dubiously funny!

Tried to put aside my strong inclination to put in one of my favorite songs from Into The Wild but in vain. Bear with me!

A very touching and heart warming story of Christropher McCandless written by Jon Krakauer is portrayed by Sean Penn in the movie Into The Wild. A Tour de force for Sean Penn with the critical acclaim the movie recieved. I was upset and needed to watch something inspring. After much introspection I picked this one. It worked! Got me thinking and inspired me tremendously.
Tired of life like most of us, McCandless decided to venture Into The Wild. Initially he is exhilarated by the isolation, the beauty of nature around and the thrill of living off the land as the spring thaw arrives. He hunts and gathers, and reads books, and keeps a diary of his thoughts. However life becomes harder; his supplies start to run out. Ultimately on his journey of self-discovery, he concludes that true happiness can also be found in sharing, and in the joy of realization seeks to return from the wild to his friends and family.
To his despair McCandless finds himself trapped. Struggling to survive. He has a book to help him to distinguish edible from inedible, but he confuses similar plants and is poisoned. He slowly and painfully starves. In his final hours, he continues to document his process of self-realization and accepts his fate, as he imagines his friends and family for a final time. We know where the real joy of our lives lies. With the people who belong to us and the ones whom we belong to. At the end of the day, each one of us is a mystery to me.

Society - Eddie Vedder(Into The Wild)

It's a mystery to me
We have a greed with which we have agreed
And you think you have to want more than you need
Until you have it all you won't be free

Society, you're a crazy breed
Hope you're not lonely without me

When you want more than you have
You think you need
And when you think more than you want
Your thoughts begin to bleed
I think I need to find a bigger place
Because when you have more than you think
You need more space

Society, you're a crazy breed
Hope you're not lonely without me
Society, crazy indeed
Hope you're not lonely without me

There's those thinking, more-or-less, less is more
But if less is more, how you keeping score?
Means for every point you make, your level drops
Kinda like you're starting from the top
You can't do that

Society, you're a crazy breed
Hope you're not lonely without me
Society, crazy indeed
Hope you're not lonely without me

Society, have mercy on me
Hope you're not angry if I disagree
Society, crazy indeed
Hope you're not lonely without me

Cheers
Nandini

Glory!

Movies can be a great source of inspiration. Here are a few lines from Troy that inspire me.

If they ever tell my story, let them say
I walked with giants.

Men rise and fall like the winter wheat
but these names will never die.

Let them say
I lived in the time of Hector

tamer of horses.

Let them say
I lived in the time of Achilles.


Achilles. An embodiment of grief and a warrior everyone idolized.
If Achilles was anything, he was a man who believed his own press releases - Roger Ebert

I'm wondering if we will ever have lines like these to write about.
I lived in the the time of _____

Tiger Brawl! :D

I gritted my teeth when a teacher in school blasted me for no reason, when I got beatings for back-answering at home, I felt like throwing things away but Come on, The situation here is much much intense.People are not expected to grit their teeth when subjected to public humiliation of being dragged out of cars. But while you face all this humiliation do not be disappointed because in the coming days you will reach limitless heights of popularity with these clippings being shown on news channels at a minimum frequency of five minutes. Yes, it is indeed the Mumbai taxi driver I am talking about!

Raj Thackrey is on a crusade against vada pav and pani puris! He and his party MNS's workers intend to revolutionize the whole scene in Maharashtra. The migrants are the invaders eating up the state resources, are a burden on the infrastructure, are occupying spaces meant for the non-migrants, and are casting a spell on the Marathi culture. Only the true sons of the soil can reside without being harassed. If cultures do not mingle with each other, they lead to stagnation and finally wither away is a thought that you and I may understand but the man who claims to take Mumbai to new heights unfortunately does not! His supporters might justify it by calling it his 'possessiveness' towards the nativeland. The land is all his by the way!! The Sena regardless of the laws it infringes attempts to keep its culture pure and undiluted. Why is Amitabh Bachchan the brand ambassador for UP and not the state where he made his living? Why does he not open schools in Maharashtra? Well, UP asked him to be their ambassador and Maharashtra apparently did not consider him worthy enough or suffered from bad timing.

When Raj thackrey's Non north Indian campaign is the breaking news for all news channels, I wonder at petty things happening around me. The word 'bhaiyya' has become offensive. It is ghastly to see such indifference around. Is it just provocative or does it really bother people? Ok, I really don't get it. The MNS wants to get rid of the labour from Bihar and UP. By doing so, Mumbai won't have any taxis plying and no vada pav or pani puri stalls but more importantly the culture shall remain intact! If anything, I would argue that Thackeray did not go far enough. I've just about had it with the delicious fish I buy from my Goan fisherwoman. Each time I savor the delicious fish fry, I am just angered at the fact that I didn't buy this fish from a Maharashtrian. If we're taking all this trouble to get rid of the North Indians, can we please also get the rid of the Goans too. Why should Colaba alone enjoy the cool sea breeze of Mumbai ? Have we not suffered enough. Last time I checked, I have not seen Colabans open any schools in Andheri. I swear my next door neighbor is 1/8th North Indian. Can we at least send her to north Mumbai? The basic theme is - if you start dividing india into regions why not mumbai into regions and since the latter is ridiculous, so is the former.

Mumbai is facing an acute shortage of students, since as many as 53,000 new schools have been opened up by patriotic North Indians after Mr. Thackeray's campaign "The government should ensure a steady supply of students for our schools", complained Mr. Gupta, a businessman-turned-principal. "If there aren't enough students, then maybe we can import some from other neighboring areas" Some innovative solutions to this shortage have been proposed, such as extending the school hours and making students attend multiple schools. One irate woman from UP said "what do these kids do after 4pm anyway ? Why cant they attend my school from 4pm to 9pm after their regular school?

When all this hue and cry happens around the country, people like you and I sit in front of television screens with our dinner plates and pick our favourite news channels for our share of entertainment. My TV screen suddenly goes hyperactive when Uma bharati comes in with all the vigour she has and says "I will go to Mumbai with a train full of followers from Uttar Pradesh to celebrate Chhath, and I challenge him (Raj Thackeray) to stop me from doing so". Thats the news for the day. We expect better. Being a maharashtrian myself this blatant discrimination saddens me deeply.

I miss!

I miss those mornings when we used to sneak into dad's room and take turns to wake him up. The way he used to emerge out and scare the wits out of us littlies! Wooh! The who-will-wake-him-up-today ceremony used to take up a lot of time of the morning hustle bustle! Ta and I used to look forward to the 5 minute scooter ride to school. One of us used to take the, now embarrassing, spot in the front with the chin resting on the front part of the scooter and hands tightly clutching the handle!

Oh I miss that scooter ride!

Now, I wake up with utmost reluctance to go to college. While I manage a quick shower and run to the bus stop, friends SMS regular updates about the bus's whereabouts. This was the first step towards losing that sense of security that I had on the scooter ride with every second person waving out cheerfully at dad. I remember asking him in awe 'Baba, Does half the city know you?' He would shrug and say 'No beta'.

Ma used to spend hours coaxing us to drink milk before we left for school. The fuss that followed usually got very unpleasant. She sometimes threatened to come to school with the mug and trust me she was quite capable of doing so. 

Oh I miss that glass of milk!

Things change and I've always been taught to adapt to these unprecedented changes! Probably the reason why I can now gulp down piping hot tea scalding my throat. For most of us school and memories are like the perfect dose of nostalgia. We remember the tiniest of details. Usually, the last hour at school used to be History. Ta was most definitely not one of Sister Georgina's favorites. S and I used to wait for times when she'd get into trouble. Sister couldn't bear mischief of any sorts and much later did we realize that she was oversensitive about 'slip of tongues'. Minutes after I was giggling at one of those laughter inducing errors, she came panting down to my seat, looked me in the eye with her big nostrils flared up and walked back. I was like 'Heh? What was that for?' The lady went storming back to the blackboard and wrote in big bold letters ‘A SLIP OF TONGUE IS NOT A MISTAKE AND THE ONE WHO LAUGHS AT IT IS A FOOL'. Ta was just glad that she wasn't mistaken for me.

Oh I miss those classes!

Ta and I used to get home from school with many a stories to tell. But it wasn't the stories that we looked forward to the most, it was Tiger. He used to jump on us with his heart pounding, running towards us with his tail wagging vigorously. Trust me on this, that is the loveliest feeling in this world. Both of us used to cuddle him up, pamper him, run around the entire house with him. He had a bark for each emotion. The choosiness and greediness with food, the furious tail wagging to greet each member of the family was most endearing. None of us could stop ourselves from feeding him from our plates during lunch. THAT is the puppy dog look one just cannot refuse anything to. I miss feeding him, miss petting his forehead gently pulling his ears back, miss running around the whole place like crazy lunatics. All this frenzy and frolic that he created for all of us always felt like an assurance and his way of saying ‘Hey I’m laughing out loud with you!’ After college when I get back there’s usually nothing that I am excited about.

Oh I miss him! :'(

Every second, every minute spent with Tiger is going to be cherished and remembered forever. He has been the most special part of my life and shall always be.

The clueless me didn't know that being away from home could turn out to be THIS difficult. It sure is very exciting at the beginning but things just keep getting worse. The only and only way to deal with homesickness is to keep yourself busy. Listening to music helped me immensely. Family and friends have been of great support as well. Thanks to everyone who has always tried to make it easier for me.

Oh how badly I miss home!

There’s a lot to more to what I miss. Lets keep that for the next post. It took me quite long to come up with the first post but here it comes for people who matter the most to me.

Love
Nandini